It has recently become apparent to me that little sorcerers disguised as our children have infiltrated the Walker Camp. I am in increasing awe of their ability to apply mastery and cunning in a plethora of situations. I now present to you the various guises they assume and the mysterious happenings that surround them in an attempt to persuade you that this is no trick of my frazzled mind:
1) The Poltergeist Effect: I’ve observed this to be most heightened during play-dates. Barely blink and there’s Lego hurtling across the room, upturned furniture, spillages, and dollies hanging from the plant pots creating a gruesome battlefield scene. Unfortunately there’s no Mary Poppins Effect to counteract it.
2) Telepathy in Action: Some would say it’s a conspiracy, I say it’s telepathy. Either way there’s no chance anyone is getting a lie in in this house! Black out blinds, glo-clocks, late bedtime, bribery it’s all out thwarted by good old telekinesis! If one child is asleep the other JUST SENSES that it’s time to kick off the wide-awake club. I’ve observed this to be most effective following a parental date night, late night or bout of insomnia.
3) Extra Sensory Perception: Mush, blend, cover in sauce, cover in cheese, distraction, bribery – there’s no chance that vegetable is making it within an inch of this mini mystic’s chops. They JUST KNOW they’re there! But hey, I guess when you’re superhuman, who needs vegetables anyway?!
4) Force-field Production: The ability to detect a hot cup of tea and take swift defensive action in the form of an impenetrable force field is regularly employed in our household.This ensures the tea isn’t interfered with in any way until it’s at least a few degrees cooler Also a highly effective strategy for cooling hot dinners, toast, baths… anything that is most enjoyed warm.
5) Time Warping: Only these otherworldly beings can explain how time is lost during the small tasks of tooth-brushing, coat buttoning and shoe fastening – suddenly half an hour has disappeared into the vortex and we’re late! This, I’ve found is most frequently used when preparing for the morning school run. And if for any reason it fails, simply employ the emergency dump tactic – straight into their nappies as you’re crossing the threshold of the front door desperately hoping to make up some time…
6) But thank goodness for the Jet Propulsion Scooter! Which seems to take on a mind of it’s own when ridden by our celestial incarnation, especially when near busy roads, crowds of people or market stalls turning the school run into an adrenaline filled extreme sport.
7) Memory Manipulation: “But Mummy you DID say we could have a treat… but you prommmmissed….”
8) Environment Adaptation: Similar to the Poltergeist Effect but there’s more refined wizardry at work when repeatedly transporting pebbles, hairclips and raisins back into the washing machine. Not to mention the cheerios that miraculously keep reappearing in the bottom of my handbag. Spooky!
9) The Regenerative Healing Factor: Seriously. The injuries we have endured, the screams and wails indicating a limb is at stake, the desperate pleas to make it better – within seconds the cut / graze or scrape is miraculously healed with the help of a small unassuming prop: The Princess Plaster!
10) Last not least. The Visited and the Reincarnated Ones: ‘I don’t like the boy in the garden’ our eldest once claimed. The other insists on calling her sibling ‘Heena’ the name of a celebrated police dog of the Mumbai Police that died in 2005.
Unearthly? I’m convinced they’re all around us – I bet you have some in your household too attempting to outwit you at every step through the power of the paranormal…
If you enjoyed this, please check out my children’s story book: ‘Worm, Slug, Maggot & Leech and their Troublesome Transformation’ by Polly Walker which is for available to pre-order now at: https://britainsnextbestseller.co.uk/index.php/book/index/WormSlugMaggotandLeech
Thank you for reading!