I’m extremely proud to be posting my sister in law’s first foray into the world of blogging below. I am also incredibly proud of her for writing what is a very honest and open account of her battles with anxiety and depression. Thank you Heidi…. x
Squeaky hello to the cyber world. Squeaky bottom too, sharing thoughts with people who don’t know me hmmm here goes..
Who am I? Good question, if anyone finds out let me know ASAP…
Who am I not? Ah, now that I can answer in abundance.
Firstly I’m not who I want to be. At the ripe old age of 40, I find myself somewhat ravaged with depression & anxiety. What’s that? Disbelief? Not Heidi, she’d do anything for anyone. Not Heidi, always got a smile & some daft comment ready to spill from her mouth, followed by a chuckle.
The person most surprised at all this is, well… Me! After some heavy-duty incidents, I finally admitted to myself that I am unwell.
So, revelations out of the way.
That’s the tricky part, everything is next. Why am I like this? Why now? What’s my future whilst I’m scrutinising my past? Most importantly though is getting through each day. That may seem like an easy thing to do & it quite rightly is, first off.. Always remember my medication. The fear of how I will be without a bit of Prozac in the morning is indescribable (so, I won’t try).
Mornings are always a bit of Russian roulette. Will I manage to get my kids fed & watered & out to school on time? The answer is yes.. Every single day.
Where does the Russian roulette come into it, you rambling fool? Ah, time to introduce, anxiety.
Worry is overwhelming, debilitating & quite frankly a pain in the arse. I can logically tell myself that all will be well & calm. Feeling it is different. Virtually every thought I have is followed by a crisis of confidence, doubt & bewilderment. I wholeheartedly support people moving outside of their comfort zone, trying new things & expanding their horizons. At the moment for me that can mean getting from A to B in my car. I applaud myself for small achievements, that a few years ago would have been second nature.
Right then Heidi, fairly gloomy outlook? Well yes & no. The ‘no’ being the positive that I’m gaining from this period of my life, I have an underlying excitement that, *whispers quietly* everything is going to be alright?! As support networks go, I’ve always been a martyr to the cause. Coping on my own & pushing help away. There really isn’t anything more thrilling than learning (especially at 40, did I mention my age?).
Oh the amount I am learning at the moment, is worth all the heartache & despair to get to this point. Mostly, I’ve realised what a great network of family & friends I have. I’ve always known that they are great, but at moments of crisis they have proven it & what a relief it is for me to finally accept love & care.
Of course, situations that I find myself in now could well have been avoided. How? By having self-esteem. It’s been absent from my life for a very long time & I’m far from flowing with it now, but am most certainly headed in the right direction.
Nothing can then express my delight, when a few years ago my sister-in-law asked me to look at a book she had written & illustrated. I remember reading it with, pride, wonder & awe. The most fabulous children’s story with a strong message to love, like & appreciate who you are. 8-year-old Heidi was yearning for a book like this.
Enough gushing, thank you for reading.. I do hope you got this far.
You can follow Heidi on Twitter: @heedeeeee
Polly’s children’s book ‘Worm, Slug, Maggot & Leech and their Troublesome Transformation’ has a theme around self-esteem and diversity. It is due for release on 12th September and can be pre-ordered via: